1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.LT 2 00:00:06,517 --> 00:00:08,068 [Gallagher] Are you ready? 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT 4 00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:09,758 Here I come. You ready? 5 00:00:11,275 --> 00:00:14,172 Ladies and gentlemen, 6 00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:18,586 presenting the incredible... me. 7 00:00:18,689 --> 00:00:20,275 [audience cheering] 8 00:00:22,275 --> 00:00:23,724 Yay. 9 00:00:27,620 --> 00:00:29,103 Yay. 10 00:00:33,275 --> 00:00:34,931 Ta-da. 11 00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:36,793 [cheering continues]Thank you. 12 00:00:40,931 --> 00:00:42,620 [cheering continues] 13 00:00:45,206 --> 00:00:46,620 [cheering continues] 14 00:00:49,931 --> 00:00:51,793 All right, all right, all right. 15 00:00:51,896 --> 00:00:54,275 All right, all right. You get the job. 16 00:00:54,379 --> 00:00:55,931 [audience] Yeah!All right. 17 00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:58,379 Well, this here is my corner bar. 18 00:00:58,482 --> 00:01:00,310 Drinks on the street, free comedian. 19 00:01:00,413 --> 00:01:02,862 You got two. You don't got none. 20 00:01:02,965 --> 00:01:04,620 It don't matter. 21 00:01:04,724 --> 00:01:06,620 We're here to just talk about the world 22 00:01:06,724 --> 00:01:09,655 and go back and forth on the street here 23 00:01:09,758 --> 00:01:12,172 and have a couple of drinks. 24 00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:14,103 Not everybody has a drink. 25 00:01:15,517 --> 00:01:17,413 How come you don't have-- What is your name? 26 00:01:17,517 --> 00:01:18,896 [man] My name's Larry Spector. 27 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,413 You're real proud of that, ain't ya? 28 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,448 Well, now--[audience applauding, cheering] 29 00:01:28,551 --> 00:01:31,689 Who is sitting behind him? What is your name, man? 30 00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:34,689 No, you, you. A man. Man. When I say "man"-- 31 00:01:34,793 --> 00:01:36,758 Randy Smith.Your name is Randy Smith. 32 00:01:36,862 --> 00:01:39,034 See, Rand-ay. Rand-ay. 33 00:01:39,137 --> 00:01:41,862 You know, not Randy Smith! It's Randy. 34 00:01:41,965 --> 00:01:43,758 Randy, you don't have a drink? 35 00:01:43,862 --> 00:01:45,586 [Randy] They didn't bring me one. 36 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,103 I know it. 37 00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:48,448 [audience laughing] 38 00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,689 We need to set you up better. 39 00:01:54,344 --> 00:01:56,068 [cheering, laughing] 40 00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:03,034 Huh? 41 00:02:03,137 --> 00:02:05,103 You're tipping. 42 00:02:12,448 --> 00:02:16,103 Well, whose was this? We need some more drinks in here. 43 00:02:16,206 --> 00:02:18,275 [audience shouting, cheering] 44 00:02:18,379 --> 00:02:19,965 Now, you probably don't know this, 45 00:02:20,068 --> 00:02:22,000 but you are what you drink, unless you throw it up. 46 00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:24,896 Then you're a mess. Right, Randy? 47 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,413 But don't get the feeling 48 00:02:26,517 --> 00:02:28,862 that you have to be self-conscious about being a mess. 49 00:02:28,965 --> 00:02:30,965 People think cleanliness is next to godliness. 50 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,758 It ain't. I looked it up in the dictionary. 51 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:35,103 "Goggles" is next to "godliness." 52 00:02:35,206 --> 00:02:37,724 "Cleanliness" is next to "claustrophobia" and "cleavage." 53 00:02:37,827 --> 00:02:40,103 You can look it up. 54 00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:42,413 People are always telling you stuff you don't need to know. 55 00:02:42,517 --> 00:02:44,413 Aren't they telling you that?[man] Yeah. 56 00:02:44,517 --> 00:02:46,413 I forgot your name. 57 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,206 You're Larry. You're Randy Spector? 58 00:02:50,310 --> 00:02:51,551 Right. 59 00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:54,379 I didn't forget it, did I? 60 00:02:54,482 --> 00:02:56,034 What do you do for a living? 61 00:02:56,137 --> 00:02:58,793 I manage entertainers. 62 00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:04,310 Well, if one comes by, we'll talk. 63 00:03:08,586 --> 00:03:10,000 That's okay. 64 00:03:11,448 --> 00:03:13,344 Well, then you know about people telling you stuff 65 00:03:13,448 --> 00:03:15,000 you don't need to know, right? 66 00:03:15,103 --> 00:03:16,689 People are always telling you that. 67 00:03:16,793 --> 00:03:18,344 They'll tell you to eat before you go to the grocery store, 68 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,689 that way you don't buy so much. 69 00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:22,275 That don't work with a liquor store, does it? 70 00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:26,172 No. You go there drunk, you buy everything they got. 71 00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:28,241 Let me have that 55-gallon drum of Ripple 72 00:03:28,344 --> 00:03:29,896 right there, will ya? 73 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,862 [audience laughing] 74 00:03:31,965 --> 00:03:35,103 You sound like you're in a good mood. You people into food much? 75 00:03:35,206 --> 00:03:36,620 [audience] Yes.You into food? 76 00:03:36,724 --> 00:03:38,620 Healthy people?[audience] Yeah. 77 00:03:38,724 --> 00:03:40,965 A lot of people think that I'm a-- 78 00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:44,310 that I'm a vegetarian. 79 00:03:44,413 --> 00:03:46,000 [audience laughing] 80 00:03:47,793 --> 00:03:50,034 But I ain't. I like wiener. 81 00:03:52,068 --> 00:03:53,310 Now-- 82 00:03:53,413 --> 00:03:55,000 [audience cheering, applauding] 83 00:03:58,689 --> 00:04:00,965 You must like wieners, too. 84 00:04:02,896 --> 00:04:04,586 A lot of people lead a pure life 85 00:04:04,689 --> 00:04:08,413 will tell you not to eat this 'cause it contains chemicals. 86 00:04:08,517 --> 00:04:11,344 But that's just the reason that you should eat it, 87 00:04:11,448 --> 00:04:12,931 'cause if you lead a pure life, 88 00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:14,689 you don't get no chemicals in your body. 89 00:04:14,793 --> 00:04:16,172 Then you get a little of this by accident, 90 00:04:16,275 --> 00:04:19,344 it's gonna lay your ass out dead. 91 00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:22,724 See, I'm building up a resistance right now. 92 00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:25,034 Who wants to build up a resistance? Anybody? 93 00:04:25,137 --> 00:04:27,551 Want a wiener up there?[audience shouting] 94 00:04:30,413 --> 00:04:32,275 [audience members shouting] 95 00:04:32,379 --> 00:04:36,379 Hey, Reggie Jackson don't hit a home run every time, does he? 96 00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:38,275 No. It's terrible, though, this meat. 97 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,620 Look at you people smoking, being all healthful 98 00:04:40,724 --> 00:04:43,586 and just letting all that smoke go up in the air like that. 99 00:04:43,689 --> 00:04:45,827 It stunts your growth. 100 00:04:45,931 --> 00:04:48,103 That's why men do it after sex. 101 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,413 Why, you're a cigar smoker, ain't ya? 102 00:04:56,517 --> 00:04:59,000 Don't look around. There ain't a woman. 103 00:05:01,206 --> 00:05:02,586 What is your name? 104 00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:03,931 [man] Craig.Craig. 105 00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:05,275 Yeah.Good name. 106 00:05:05,379 --> 00:05:06,655 What's your name?Gallagher. 107 00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:08,275 Oh. 108 00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:09,620 [indistinct chatter] 109 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,862 How long have you been in the cigar area? 110 00:05:16,965 --> 00:05:18,724 About a year.About a year now? 111 00:05:18,827 --> 00:05:20,931 Yeah.Did you move up from cigarettes? 112 00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:22,724 No. 113 00:05:22,827 --> 00:05:25,310 You just went right into cigar--Yeah. 114 00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:27,103 What the-- [mutters] 115 00:05:27,206 --> 00:05:29,103 [audience laughing, murmuring] 116 00:05:29,206 --> 00:05:32,275 Do you see what he has over there? 117 00:05:32,379 --> 00:05:34,172 Now, what did your mother tell you? 118 00:05:34,275 --> 00:05:37,103 If you can't bring enough for everybody, don't get it out. 119 00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:38,448 [audience laughing, applauding] 120 00:05:46,724 --> 00:05:48,689 And smoking a cigar on top of that. 121 00:05:48,793 --> 00:05:51,172 How can you handle these two things? 122 00:05:51,275 --> 00:05:53,448 Smoke it in this.Oh. 123 00:05:53,551 --> 00:05:55,862 And drinking in the other hand. Damn. 124 00:05:57,896 --> 00:06:01,103 If you had another hand, you'd need another drug, wouldn't you? 125 00:06:01,206 --> 00:06:02,620 [audience laughing] 126 00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:08,344 You ever wonder what it'd be like if you did have another hand? 127 00:06:08,448 --> 00:06:11,586 Ever hear people say, "I only got two hands"? 128 00:06:11,689 --> 00:06:14,000 Where the hell would you put another one? 129 00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:16,482 Put one right out the middle, 130 00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:18,275 that way-- 131 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,172 [audience laughing] 132 00:06:20,275 --> 00:06:22,965 Well, that way you could lean forward at the-- 133 00:06:23,068 --> 00:06:26,000 in the bathroom and use both hands, couldn't you? 134 00:06:26,103 --> 00:06:27,620 [audience laughing] 135 00:06:31,034 --> 00:06:32,965 Or if you're at a cocktail party, 136 00:06:33,068 --> 00:06:35,931 you could carry your food and have your drink right there, 137 00:06:36,034 --> 00:06:37,620 and it'd be good. 138 00:06:37,724 --> 00:06:39,448 I'm always thinking about things like that 139 00:06:39,551 --> 00:06:41,275 'cause I don't believe the human body is perfect. 140 00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:43,413 It isn't perfect. Take your nose, for example. 141 00:06:43,517 --> 00:06:46,000 You think it's a good idea to put a wet, drainy thing like that 142 00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:49,000 upside down over your mouth? 143 00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:52,517 No. It's unsafe. It's unsanitary. 144 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:55,931 If the health department saw it, you'd have 10 days to fix it or move out, right? 145 00:06:56,034 --> 00:06:57,551 Where else could you put your nose? 146 00:06:57,655 --> 00:06:59,586 Everyplace out of the way has got kind of a stink. 147 00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,655 You couldn't put it there. You couldn't put it there. 148 00:07:01,758 --> 00:07:03,206 You could switch it with your belly button, 149 00:07:03,310 --> 00:07:05,724 that way your face would look like a bowling ball, you know? 150 00:07:05,827 --> 00:07:09,379 Then every time you sneezed, your zipper would whistle 151 00:07:09,482 --> 00:07:13,103 and you coke freaks would have a soda straw hanging out your fly. 152 00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:14,793 [laughing, cheering] 153 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,689 Wouldn't it be neat if the parts of your body really were parts? 154 00:07:19,793 --> 00:07:22,103 You could mix and match and move stuff around, take it off, 155 00:07:22,206 --> 00:07:24,103 send it out, get it chromed. 156 00:07:24,206 --> 00:07:26,000 Say you're laying in bed on a Saturday morning, 157 00:07:26,103 --> 00:07:27,620 and your woman says, "Get your ass out of bed." 158 00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:30,448 You go, "Here, take it. Leave me alone." 159 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,275 You could ask her for a piece. You might just get it. 160 00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:35,275 [audience laughing] 161 00:07:35,379 --> 00:07:37,344 Be okay, wouldn't it? 162 00:07:37,448 --> 00:07:39,000 Although your hand is perfect. 163 00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:41,517 God in His infinite wisdom 164 00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,689 made you a little tool kit here. 165 00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,896 Only He knew you'd need something just this size 166 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,655 for cleaning out your ear. 167 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:49,379 This one here-- 168 00:07:49,482 --> 00:07:52,241 Well, this one here goes right up your nose, if you noticed that. 169 00:07:52,344 --> 00:07:55,206 This one's for the wedding. And this one, of course, is for the divorce. 170 00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,275 How many are-- 171 00:08:01,793 --> 00:08:04,517 I always thought it'd be neat if you could take your arms off when you go to bed. 172 00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:06,689 They always fall asleep before I do. 173 00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:09,689 I wish I could just pick it up, hang it up. 174 00:08:10,965 --> 00:08:13,413 What would you hang the other one up with? 175 00:08:13,517 --> 00:08:15,103 [audience laughing] 176 00:08:19,827 --> 00:08:22,206 I was thinking the other day, if your knees bent the other way, 177 00:08:22,310 --> 00:08:24,206 what would a chair look like? 178 00:08:25,827 --> 00:08:28,000 You people ain't thinking about this stuff, are ya? 179 00:08:29,655 --> 00:08:31,793 Well, you ain't smoking good shit. 180 00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,448 Right? 181 00:08:34,551 --> 00:08:35,793 [audience shouting replies] 182 00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:39,172 I'm not advocating using any illegal smoking materials 183 00:08:39,275 --> 00:08:41,965 by members of our society that do not wish to do so, 184 00:08:42,068 --> 00:08:43,931 although I think it's a good idea for old people. 185 00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:47,103 It makes the time go slow. 186 00:08:47,206 --> 00:08:49,965 It could add years to retirement. 187 00:08:50,068 --> 00:08:52,206 Get your grandma a lid of Colombian and a ton of yarn, 188 00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:54,724 and you get back an afghan to cover the garage. 189 00:09:02,034 --> 00:09:03,965 Go, Granny, go! 190 00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,379 Although, I guess Colombian is a pretty expensive gift 191 00:09:10,482 --> 00:09:12,310 to be just giving your grandma, you know. 192 00:09:12,413 --> 00:09:15,172 Even Colombian grown in this country is expensive. 193 00:09:15,275 --> 00:09:16,862 [audience laughing] 194 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:21,448 You might get some of that, too, right? 195 00:09:21,551 --> 00:09:23,655 Fifty dollars, shit. 196 00:09:23,758 --> 00:09:25,344 [audience laughing] 197 00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:30,482 I ought to drag it out here. If you're gonna pay $50 a lid for shit, 198 00:09:30,586 --> 00:09:33,827 you ought to use it in your show so you can write it off your income tax. 199 00:09:33,931 --> 00:09:36,448 I put it down under transportation. 200 00:09:36,551 --> 00:09:38,103 [laughing] 201 00:09:40,758 --> 00:09:43,551 You know, when my stomach's upset, gang, 202 00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:48,758 I have Hershey's chocolate syrup. 203 00:09:48,862 --> 00:09:50,517 Now, it don't do much for gas, 204 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:53,586 but it makes every burp a chocolate surprise. 205 00:09:55,172 --> 00:09:56,931 Mm, mm! 206 00:09:57,034 --> 00:09:59,310 You know, chocolate goes to a place in your brain 207 00:09:59,413 --> 00:10:02,448 right next to sex. 208 00:10:02,551 --> 00:10:05,413 If you can't get screwed, have a Snickers. 209 00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,103 [audience laughing] 210 00:10:09,413 --> 00:10:13,655 Well, how many know they're having a Snickers tonight? 211 00:10:13,758 --> 00:10:16,068 All right, who gets a Snickers now? 212 00:10:16,172 --> 00:10:18,413 [shouting]Snickers over there. Snickers there. 213 00:10:18,517 --> 00:10:21,344 Snickers there. We got some Snickers. 214 00:10:21,448 --> 00:10:23,758 We got Snickers. 215 00:10:23,862 --> 00:10:26,310 All of those people that are not getting-- 216 00:10:26,413 --> 00:10:28,758 Look at you. How beautiful, and you're not getting no-- 217 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:31,379 I didn't get any Snickers.I know it. 218 00:10:31,482 --> 00:10:34,000 That's my question. Why in the hell are you having a Snickers tonight? 219 00:10:34,103 --> 00:10:35,965 Look at you. 220 00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:40,137 Are you here with a girlfriend-- Is that your boyfriend next to you? 221 00:10:40,241 --> 00:10:45,103 I'll throw you a candy bar if I'm damn sure you ain't doing nothing tonight. 222 00:10:45,206 --> 00:10:46,620 [audience laughing] 223 00:10:48,379 --> 00:10:50,206 All right. 224 00:10:50,310 --> 00:10:52,482 All right! Whoo! 225 00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:54,448 [applauding] 226 00:10:54,551 --> 00:10:56,413 Want another one?Whoo! 227 00:10:56,517 --> 00:10:59,448 I think she just does stuff for candy. 228 00:11:03,103 --> 00:11:06,689 What is your name?Rita. Rita-- Her-- 229 00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:08,965 Herbst? Don't-- 230 00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:12,379 When anybody else asks your name, just say "Rita." 231 00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:17,448 Herbst is something that, you know, is-- 232 00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:24,896 We're living in a society that's very sexually confusing. 233 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,896 You really don't know.[man] Why? 234 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,655 Well, because you just don't know. 235 00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:31,448 What with the idea of transsexuals, 236 00:11:31,551 --> 00:11:33,620 I look at that woman, there might be a man's spirit 237 00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:35,448 trapped in that body. 238 00:11:38,413 --> 00:11:40,965 Well, I applied it to myself. I thought maybe there's a female spirit 239 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:44,275 trapped in my body, and I don't know it 'cause she's a lesbian. 240 00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:46,275 [audience laughing, applauding] 241 00:11:47,896 --> 00:11:50,448 How would I know? I like some girls' stuff. 242 00:11:50,551 --> 00:11:53,275 I always felt safe around a girl's bike, for instance. 243 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,793 [audience laughing] 244 00:11:56,931 --> 00:11:58,517 Does it seem reasonable to you 245 00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:01,517 that the one with the balls gets the one with the bar? 246 00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,275 [audience laughing, applauding] 247 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,379 I'll tell you something worse, 248 00:12:09,482 --> 00:12:12,517 worse than missing the seat on your bicycle-- 249 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,689 dancing close with a girl, 250 00:12:16,793 --> 00:12:18,931 'cause girls are just made to tease. 251 00:12:19,034 --> 00:12:22,724 Just natural. It's all up front, and it teases. 252 00:12:22,827 --> 00:12:24,586 Just nothing they can do about it. 253 00:12:24,689 --> 00:12:28,000 And you start dancing real close, you know. 254 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:30,862 Pretty soon things start happening, right? 255 00:12:32,103 --> 00:12:33,517 And they rub around 256 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,517 like they're gonna do a whole lot more than just dance. 257 00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:37,827 The music's over, they cut out for the punch bowl. 258 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,517 You're out there. "Hey, that was pretty good. 259 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:43,000 Sure, boy. Good dance. 260 00:12:46,103 --> 00:12:49,344 That was some good dancing, yes, sir." 261 00:12:49,448 --> 00:12:51,000 Of course, I used to know this girl 262 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,758 let me do anything I wanted to do. 263 00:12:52,862 --> 00:12:54,620 Do y'all believe that? 264 00:12:54,724 --> 00:12:57,689 Actually, she'd let anybody do anything they wanted to do. 265 00:12:57,793 --> 00:13:00,551 Everybody knew her. She was weird 266 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:02,206 but very fair. 267 00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:03,965 After you'd do her, she'd do you back. 268 00:13:04,068 --> 00:13:05,551 That's fair, isn't it? 269 00:13:05,655 --> 00:13:07,448 All she'd ever do, though, is pluck a single hair 270 00:13:07,551 --> 00:13:09,793 from the top of your head for her scrapbook. 271 00:13:09,896 --> 00:13:11,758 We finally moved away from that neighborhood. 272 00:13:11,862 --> 00:13:14,586 I was about, oh, 14-- 273 00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:16,344 14, 15. 274 00:13:16,448 --> 00:13:18,655 About 15, I think. 275 00:13:18,758 --> 00:13:20,965 I was about 15, I think. 276 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:24,275 You remember her a little bit, don't you? 277 00:13:26,689 --> 00:13:28,793 You knew her more than I did, didn't you? 278 00:13:31,034 --> 00:13:33,206 This is a raw deal, isn't it? 279 00:13:33,310 --> 00:13:35,241 When one falls out like that one, I wonder, 280 00:13:35,344 --> 00:13:37,620 "What the hell held it in yesterday?" 281 00:13:37,724 --> 00:13:39,206 [audience laughing] 282 00:13:40,827 --> 00:13:42,586 Why today? 283 00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,413 It needs washing, but I ain't gonna wash it. 284 00:13:44,517 --> 00:13:48,758 I figure if it's gonna fall out, it can take the goddamn dirt with it. 285 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:52,344 It needs cutting, too, but you don't prune a dead tree, do you? 286 00:13:52,448 --> 00:13:56,413 I don't even comb it. I figure the tangles holding half of it in. 287 00:13:56,517 --> 00:13:59,586 Big deal, parallel hair. Who needs that, right? 288 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:04,206 You can't explain this problem to a woman, now. 289 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,344 No. See, 'cause women don't-- 290 00:14:06,448 --> 00:14:09,310 there's nothing parallel in woman-ness, you know? 291 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,793 I mean, this is my sexuality, see? 292 00:14:11,896 --> 00:14:14,172 Women got sex hanging out all over 'em, 293 00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:16,000 but men just got their hair. 294 00:14:16,103 --> 00:14:17,586 You get used to having it, it's gone. 295 00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:20,655 You girls would have to imagine like if your tits fell off. 296 00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,172 [audience laughing] 297 00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:26,448 Real slow. 298 00:14:26,551 --> 00:14:29,827 Just kind of slid on down, 299 00:14:29,931 --> 00:14:31,655 popped off at the knee. 300 00:14:31,758 --> 00:14:33,172 [audience applauding, cheering] 301 00:14:36,172 --> 00:14:38,689 You're beginning to see what I'm talking about. 302 00:14:38,793 --> 00:14:40,689 I guess you look at that and you say to yourself, 303 00:14:40,793 --> 00:14:43,448 "Well, I bet he don't get much." 304 00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,103 Well, you're wrong. 305 00:14:45,206 --> 00:14:46,965 I don't get any. 306 00:14:49,724 --> 00:14:52,551 But you just miss out on a lot of loving, having a head that looks like this. 307 00:14:52,655 --> 00:14:54,586 You figure it out. If the hair fell out of your dog, 308 00:14:54,689 --> 00:14:56,448 would you want to pet him? 309 00:14:56,551 --> 00:14:57,965 [audience laughing] 310 00:15:02,448 --> 00:15:05,551 Well, you like that damn joke. 311 00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,000 Do you know why a bird is so ugly? 312 00:15:08,103 --> 00:15:11,586 You would be, too, if your pecker was between your eyes. 313 00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,241 [audience laughing, applauding] 314 00:15:16,103 --> 00:15:17,517 [cheering] 315 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,344 Don't make sense. See, I'm thinking about stuff all the time. 316 00:15:22,448 --> 00:15:26,344 While you're at home getting drunk, I'm thinking. That's my job. 317 00:15:26,448 --> 00:15:30,413 See, I'm thinking all the time, trying to improve the world 318 00:15:30,517 --> 00:15:33,034 through overview, 319 00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:35,517 which you get from Colombian. 320 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:37,206 [audience laughing] 321 00:15:39,379 --> 00:15:41,000 When you get this overview, 322 00:15:41,103 --> 00:15:43,586 then you can solve the world's problems. 323 00:15:43,689 --> 00:15:46,413 You say, "Hey, take all them houses out by the airport 324 00:15:46,517 --> 00:15:48,517 nobody wants to live in 'cause it's too noisy 325 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:50,413 and give 'em to deaf people." 326 00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:53,517 I hope I didn't offend any deaf people, 327 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,931 but I don't guess they heard that joke, did they? 328 00:15:57,034 --> 00:15:59,000 And don't get the idea I don't know the value 329 00:15:59,103 --> 00:16:01,241 of handicapped people in a society, 'cause I do. 330 00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:05,655 If it wasn't for handicapped people, I never would find a parking space. 331 00:16:13,310 --> 00:16:15,620 Hey, I had an overview the other day-- 332 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,655 figured out how to save us millions. 333 00:16:17,758 --> 00:16:21,551 Do the Jehovah Witnesses come by your house about every other day? 334 00:16:21,655 --> 00:16:23,551 Why don't we give 'em the mail to deliver? 335 00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,275 [audience cheering] 336 00:16:33,103 --> 00:16:35,724 They're already in the neighborhood. 337 00:16:35,827 --> 00:16:39,103 You know they're gonna ring every bell. 338 00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:40,931 Am I right? 339 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,793 They say since Proposition 13 340 00:16:42,896 --> 00:16:44,896 we don't have enough money now for dam inspectors. 341 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,034 I say good. We don't need no dam inspectors. 342 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:50,206 If you got a house down-street from the dam, 343 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,379 your ass ought to be up there checking for cracks. 344 00:16:53,482 --> 00:16:56,827 Am I right?[audience] Yeah. 345 00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:58,586 You know I'm right. 346 00:16:58,689 --> 00:17:00,620 The government's dumb. 347 00:17:00,724 --> 00:17:03,793 You know what they call the department in charge of everything outdoors? 348 00:17:03,896 --> 00:17:05,413 Tell 'em.[man] Department of the Interior. 349 00:17:05,517 --> 00:17:07,275 Interior. 350 00:17:07,379 --> 00:17:09,241 Only words you can't use. 351 00:17:09,344 --> 00:17:12,931 Sounds like it ought to be staffed by decorators instead of bureaucrats. 352 00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:14,758 Could you see, like, interior decorator 353 00:17:14,862 --> 00:17:17,000 in charge of Hoover Dam? 354 00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,000 "This whole wall has to go. 355 00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:20,689 [laughing, applauding] 356 00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:26,275 Masonry, masonry, masonry. 357 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,896 We need windows. Let in light." 358 00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,551 I do that good, don't I? 359 00:17:32,655 --> 00:17:34,862 [audience laughing, shouting] 360 00:17:34,965 --> 00:17:37,206 I'm from Hollywood. 361 00:17:37,310 --> 00:17:39,724 Living in Hollywood's like living in a bowl of granola. 362 00:17:39,827 --> 00:17:42,172 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes, right. 363 00:17:42,275 --> 00:17:43,862 [laughing, applauding] 364 00:17:45,379 --> 00:17:47,448 I had a strange idea, I think, the other day-- 365 00:17:47,551 --> 00:17:50,275 that instead of having advertisements on billboards, 366 00:17:50,379 --> 00:17:52,206 it'd be a good idea to put road maps. 367 00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:53,931 And this would save gas, 368 00:17:54,034 --> 00:17:56,413 since, I think, about 1 out of 10 cars is lost. 369 00:17:56,517 --> 00:17:58,103 Don't they drive that way? 370 00:17:58,206 --> 00:18:00,000 But yet we have all these advertisements. 371 00:18:00,103 --> 00:18:03,034 They ought to just come up to the corner and see where the hell they are. 372 00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:05,448 "You are here," you know. Then head out. 373 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:08,172 I know it ain't a funny idea. Just makes sense, don't it? 374 00:18:08,275 --> 00:18:10,413 When I come up to a corner, I don't need to see 375 00:18:10,517 --> 00:18:14,448 a dog pulling down the bathing suit of some Coppertone kid. 376 00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:17,000 I need to know where's my ass. 377 00:18:17,103 --> 00:18:18,862 [audience laughing, applauding] 378 00:18:21,758 --> 00:18:23,551 Right? 379 00:18:23,655 --> 00:18:25,068 Now-- 380 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,689 You know where it is. It's in a crack lately. 381 00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:34,517 Everybody's is because of this oil situation. 382 00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:36,827 I'll tell you something about them OPEC-ers. 383 00:18:36,931 --> 00:18:38,413 [audience laughing] 384 00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:40,827 They're real lucky that we can't drive over there, 385 00:18:40,931 --> 00:18:42,689 or there'd be some independent truckers 386 00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:45,965 kicking some butts in Kuwait tonight. 387 00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:47,551 Right? 388 00:18:47,655 --> 00:18:49,206 [audience cheering, applauding] 389 00:18:49,310 --> 00:18:51,620 I say-- 390 00:18:51,724 --> 00:18:54,344 I say we should cut off their supply of bedsheets 391 00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:58,172 so they don't have nothing to wear to them demonstrations. 392 00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:00,689 Right?[audience members] Yeah. 393 00:19:02,206 --> 00:19:03,931 Of if you just put me in charge 394 00:19:04,034 --> 00:19:07,965 of this country's science technology, 395 00:19:08,068 --> 00:19:09,965 I'll figure a way of boring through the earth 396 00:19:10,068 --> 00:19:11,965 and sucking it out from under 'em. 397 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,965 [audience laughing] 398 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:16,103 'Cause it ain't their oil, is it? 399 00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:18,103 They're just closer to it. 400 00:19:20,517 --> 00:19:23,172 I guess we ought to be glad they're still taking dollars for the oil 401 00:19:23,275 --> 00:19:25,413 and don't want something of value. 402 00:19:27,586 --> 00:19:29,172 [audience members moaning, booing] 403 00:19:31,206 --> 00:19:33,172 I'm not that goddamn impressed with you either. 404 00:19:33,275 --> 00:19:34,862 [audience laughing] 405 00:19:36,793 --> 00:19:38,689 I ain't impressed with this whole country. 406 00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,896 We're screwing up. We're losing everything. 407 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,862 Have you noticed that? 408 00:19:42,965 --> 00:19:45,758 Yes. We lose--[man] Who's "we"? Speak for yourself. 409 00:19:45,862 --> 00:19:47,586 Americans, Americans! 410 00:19:50,586 --> 00:19:52,413 Americans are losing. 411 00:19:52,517 --> 00:19:54,241 We don't watch it, 412 00:19:54,344 --> 00:19:57,275 we're all gonna be picking our clothes out of the trash can. 413 00:19:59,275 --> 00:20:00,793 [audience laughing] 414 00:20:02,862 --> 00:20:04,103 [man] It just so happens... 415 00:20:04,206 --> 00:20:06,000 Just so happens. 416 00:20:06,103 --> 00:20:08,000 How do you like this? A sports coat. 417 00:20:08,103 --> 00:20:09,517 [audience laughing] 418 00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:13,275 [audience shouting, applauding] 419 00:20:15,310 --> 00:20:19,275 I could've worn something a little more classified. 420 00:20:19,379 --> 00:20:20,965 [audience laughing, moaning] 421 00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,103 [man] ...to match your pants.What? 422 00:20:26,206 --> 00:20:27,758 Wear it to match your pants. 423 00:20:27,862 --> 00:20:29,517 Does not match my pants. 424 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:31,862 Nothing matches my pants. 425 00:20:36,862 --> 00:20:38,448 This, I think, is a good idea. 426 00:20:38,551 --> 00:20:41,758 This here uses the forces of the pyramid 427 00:20:41,862 --> 00:20:43,517 to sharpen the wit. 428 00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:45,344 Pretty handy, huh? Maybe in the future 429 00:20:45,448 --> 00:20:47,344 people will be dressing like this, 430 00:20:47,448 --> 00:20:49,344 having to wear newspaper clothes. 431 00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:51,620 Doesn't do much for the hairline, does it? 432 00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:53,931 It's a good hat, though. Most hats, you put 'em down on a chair, 433 00:20:54,034 --> 00:20:55,586 people sit on 'em. 434 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,103 [audience laughing] 435 00:20:57,206 --> 00:20:58,758 Doesn't happen with this. 436 00:20:58,862 --> 00:21:00,620 I'm thinking about... 437 00:21:00,724 --> 00:21:02,724 people that don't like smokers. 438 00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:07,758 You just kind of wear this medallion smoke alarm. 439 00:21:07,862 --> 00:21:09,448 [audience laughing, applauding] 440 00:21:13,137 --> 00:21:15,689 [alarm blares] 441 00:21:15,793 --> 00:21:17,689 Need I say more? 442 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:19,379 [audience laughing, applauding] 443 00:21:19,482 --> 00:21:20,896 [audience cheering] 444 00:21:24,896 --> 00:21:27,275 I was getting on a plane the other day... 445 00:21:27,379 --> 00:21:28,793 [audience laughing] 446 00:21:30,862 --> 00:21:32,827 and they took my ass off. 447 00:21:32,931 --> 00:21:34,344 [audience laughing, applauding] 448 00:21:37,068 --> 00:21:40,689 I was getting on a plane. He says, "Are you a smoker or a nonsmoker?" 449 00:21:40,793 --> 00:21:45,137 I thought, "Why am I defined by what it is I do not do?" 450 00:21:45,241 --> 00:21:47,931 You know what I mean? I should be normal. Other people are weird. 451 00:21:48,034 --> 00:21:51,551 I don't pee my seat. They don't ask me that. 452 00:21:51,655 --> 00:21:55,000 Say, "You a pisser or a nonpisser?" 453 00:21:55,103 --> 00:21:58,068 I say, "If it's a DC-10, I'm a pisser." 454 00:22:03,862 --> 00:22:06,896 See, we're such a wasteful society. 455 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,862 We just waste stuff-- 456 00:22:10,724 --> 00:22:12,551 Look at this. Look. 457 00:22:12,655 --> 00:22:15,379 Somebody threw away a perfectly good Gallagher doll. 458 00:22:15,482 --> 00:22:17,034 [audience laughing] 459 00:22:17,137 --> 00:22:18,689 [applauding, cheering] 460 00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:27,034 Why do they do this? 461 00:22:28,758 --> 00:22:30,413 These damn things are rare. 462 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:34,068 You just don't run across these all the time. 463 00:22:34,172 --> 00:22:35,586 [audience laughing] 464 00:22:39,965 --> 00:22:42,448 Look. Here's a perfectly good Tonight Showhome game. 465 00:22:42,551 --> 00:22:44,241 Here's Johnny. 466 00:22:44,344 --> 00:22:45,931 [audience cheering, applauding] 467 00:22:48,172 --> 00:22:50,310 Look. It had a Carnac. 468 00:22:51,931 --> 00:22:54,758 Had a guest host. There's Joey. 469 00:22:57,310 --> 00:23:00,586 It's not worth throwing away. Why did this get thrown away? 470 00:23:03,413 --> 00:23:06,517 The longer the pipe, the cooler the smoke. 471 00:23:06,620 --> 00:23:09,310 Oh, I know. You can't light the sumbitch. 472 00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,206 [audience laughing, applauding] 473 00:23:22,689 --> 00:23:24,103 [audience laughing] 474 00:23:27,655 --> 00:23:31,586 Look. Here's a perfectly good 12-string guitar. 475 00:23:35,379 --> 00:23:37,655 Damn. 476 00:23:37,758 --> 00:23:39,793 You want to sing some songs? 477 00:23:41,206 --> 00:23:43,310 What do you want to sing? 478 00:23:43,413 --> 00:23:46,517 Let's sing, um, "What Do You Get When You Fall In Love?" 479 00:23:46,620 --> 00:23:48,620 You want to do that one? 480 00:23:49,965 --> 00:23:51,379 [audience laughing, applauding] 481 00:23:57,586 --> 00:23:59,793 [mutters] 482 00:23:59,896 --> 00:24:01,620 You know, you can tell how much money 483 00:24:01,724 --> 00:24:04,965 a woman has in her purse by how she carries it. 484 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:08,344 See, a woman like this here, she probably just got paid. 485 00:24:10,344 --> 00:24:12,275 This bitch ain't got a dollar. 486 00:24:20,482 --> 00:24:22,103 This ain't bad. 487 00:24:30,586 --> 00:24:32,172 [man] All right. 488 00:24:36,103 --> 00:24:38,827 It's okay. Wait a minute. Whoa! 489 00:24:38,931 --> 00:24:40,689 What is your name?[man] Tom. 490 00:24:40,793 --> 00:24:42,931 What do you do for a living?Make pottery. 491 00:24:43,034 --> 00:24:46,172 You make pottery? You do? Okay, throw that better. 492 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,862 [man] Aww.[audience members groaning] 493 00:24:51,379 --> 00:24:53,931 Hey, man, there's one on this end and one on this end. 494 00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:56,172 Why did you throw it in the middle? 495 00:24:57,379 --> 00:24:58,689 What is your name again?Tom. 496 00:24:58,793 --> 00:25:01,793 Tom. Okay. Ready? 497 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,689 Don't count me out. 498 00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:08,413 [audience cheering, applauding] 499 00:25:16,620 --> 00:25:19,724 To me sports just ain't interesting enough. 500 00:25:21,862 --> 00:25:23,655 Like, if I had me a baseball team, 501 00:25:23,758 --> 00:25:25,724 I'd have a midget for a catcher, 502 00:25:25,827 --> 00:25:28,103 that way he wouldn't have to squat. 503 00:25:28,206 --> 00:25:29,689 [audience laughing] 504 00:25:29,793 --> 00:25:31,931 You know, I'm not too good at this 505 00:25:32,034 --> 00:25:35,517 because you need to be well-rounded in the world, 506 00:25:35,620 --> 00:25:37,931 and to get good at something you have to focus, you know. 507 00:25:38,034 --> 00:25:39,758 And I got other things, you know. 508 00:25:39,862 --> 00:25:41,965 I think if you're good at sports, 509 00:25:42,068 --> 00:25:46,206 you're like, not good in sex or something, you know. 510 00:25:46,310 --> 00:25:49,551 You know, you get good at what you practice. 511 00:25:49,655 --> 00:25:53,034 You know, that's why I'm not so good at this here. 512 00:25:54,206 --> 00:25:56,448 Well, you know, 513 00:25:56,551 --> 00:25:58,448 I think that if you're good at a sport, 514 00:25:58,551 --> 00:26:00,620 you're probably not so good in bed. 515 00:26:00,724 --> 00:26:04,517 I think that tennis players probably jump over the bed and shake your hand. 516 00:26:09,241 --> 00:26:12,103 I think a real good swimmer probably, when he gets to the headboard, 517 00:26:12,206 --> 00:26:14,793 does a flip turn and comes back for another lap. 518 00:26:16,655 --> 00:26:18,448 And I wonder, does a rodeo cowboy 519 00:26:18,551 --> 00:26:20,689 think nine seconds is a long ride? 520 00:26:20,793 --> 00:26:22,482 [audience laughing, applauding] 521 00:26:22,586 --> 00:26:24,000 [indistinct] 522 00:26:28,758 --> 00:26:31,724 Gymnasts, though-- I bet you gymnasts are real good. 523 00:26:31,827 --> 00:26:36,344 Wouldn't you like to, uh, say, uh, Nadia? 524 00:26:36,448 --> 00:26:40,103 She's a perfectionist. Imagine that, guys-- a 10. 525 00:26:40,206 --> 00:26:43,000 "Wow, Nadia, that was perfect." You know? 526 00:26:43,103 --> 00:26:46,379 "Even pointed your toes, you little devil. 527 00:26:46,482 --> 00:26:49,586 That full-twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe." 528 00:26:49,689 --> 00:26:51,103 [applauding] 529 00:26:57,827 --> 00:27:02,896 Well, I'd like to talk about driving a little bit right now. 530 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,172 I wish I had my car. 531 00:27:07,344 --> 00:27:10,931 Well, when you have your own TV show, you get your wishes, don't you? 532 00:27:12,344 --> 00:27:15,103 This helps me to get into the mood of talking about driving, 533 00:27:15,206 --> 00:27:18,310 'cause, you know, you get to be a different person when you get in your car. 534 00:27:18,413 --> 00:27:20,241 You know, you act different. 535 00:27:20,344 --> 00:27:23,068 You'll be polite in everyday life, and then you get behind your car. 536 00:27:23,172 --> 00:27:26,068 "Get outta the way! 537 00:27:26,172 --> 00:27:27,862 I'm drivin'!" 538 00:27:29,551 --> 00:27:31,448 You know what I mean? You just get impatient 539 00:27:31,551 --> 00:27:33,103 when you're in your car. 540 00:27:33,206 --> 00:27:35,551 I'm down on ignorance and stupidity. 541 00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:38,448 Driving is a game you play by the rules. 542 00:27:38,551 --> 00:27:40,103 Am I right?[audience members] Right. 543 00:27:40,206 --> 00:27:42,862 I'm against all these idiots driving down the freeway 544 00:27:42,965 --> 00:27:45,758 with the seat belt hanging out the door making sparks. 545 00:27:45,862 --> 00:27:47,689 [audience laughing, applauding] 546 00:27:47,793 --> 00:27:51,862 The ones going over the overpass with the turn signal on, you know. 547 00:27:51,965 --> 00:27:53,862 Blink, blink. It's like a sign to the whole world. 548 00:27:53,965 --> 00:27:57,241 "I'm stupid as hell. I'm stupid as hell. I'm stupid as hell." 549 00:27:57,344 --> 00:27:58,862 [audience applauding] 550 00:28:02,655 --> 00:28:04,758 Or else they're in the fast lane of the freeway 551 00:28:04,862 --> 00:28:06,448 going about 35 miles an hour 552 00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:09,172 with a bumper sticker on the back that says "I'd rather be sailing." 553 00:28:09,275 --> 00:28:11,448 Good. Get the hell off the road. 554 00:28:11,551 --> 00:28:13,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 555 00:28:14,793 --> 00:28:16,965 Right?[audience] Right. 556 00:28:17,068 --> 00:28:19,931 And take the cops with you. We don't need-- 557 00:28:20,034 --> 00:28:22,275 We don't need cops on the highway. 558 00:28:22,379 --> 00:28:24,551 They only do two things. Both of 'em screw up traffic. 559 00:28:24,655 --> 00:28:26,931 Number one, they go the speed limit. 560 00:28:27,034 --> 00:28:29,689 This is gonna slow everybody down. 561 00:28:29,793 --> 00:28:33,137 The other thing they do is they chase speeders going a hundred miles an hour. 562 00:28:33,241 --> 00:28:36,655 What does this do? Doubles the number of cars going a dangerous speed. 563 00:28:36,758 --> 00:28:38,344 [audience laughing, applauding] 564 00:28:39,689 --> 00:28:41,241 Chances are, if they slowed down, 565 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,103 the Mexicans would, too. 566 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,620 I don't know why they drive that fast 567 00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:49,275 with a family in the trunk to begin with. 568 00:28:49,379 --> 00:28:51,551 [audience applauding, cheering] 569 00:28:51,655 --> 00:28:53,241 It's their business. 570 00:28:54,724 --> 00:28:56,517 Now, now, now. 571 00:28:56,620 --> 00:28:59,724 I'm not here to pick on the Mexicans, 572 00:28:59,827 --> 00:29:01,862 'cause Mexicans got oil. 573 00:29:03,068 --> 00:29:05,000 Oil now. They just discovered it. 574 00:29:05,103 --> 00:29:08,103 Been there forever. They just discovered it. 575 00:29:08,206 --> 00:29:09,931 [audience laughing] 576 00:29:10,034 --> 00:29:12,896 Mañanawe will look for oil. 577 00:29:15,172 --> 00:29:17,793 You can't blame 'em. They didn't know they could make any more money 578 00:29:17,896 --> 00:29:20,103 with that land than they could growing dope. 579 00:29:23,103 --> 00:29:25,103 I made myself laugh, Dave. 580 00:29:27,620 --> 00:29:30,000 You know, if they want to slow things down on the freeway, 581 00:29:30,103 --> 00:29:32,758 they should legalize marijuana. 582 00:29:32,862 --> 00:29:35,275 I drive real careful stoned. 583 00:29:36,862 --> 00:29:40,034 I'm changing lanes! 584 00:29:40,137 --> 00:29:41,551 [audience laughing, applauding] 585 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,586 [cheering] 586 00:29:47,068 --> 00:29:48,793 You ever do that? 587 00:29:50,103 --> 00:29:52,724 Or you see a stoplight way up ahead and you go, 588 00:29:52,827 --> 00:29:55,068 "I'll try the brakes back here. 589 00:29:57,206 --> 00:30:00,379 Oh. Traffic looks heavy. 590 00:30:00,482 --> 00:30:02,448 I'll pull out tomorrow." 591 00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:04,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 592 00:30:06,655 --> 00:30:08,655 I think driving should be more fun. 593 00:30:08,758 --> 00:30:10,655 You know, if you go to an amusement park 594 00:30:10,758 --> 00:30:13,758 with a little oval of asphalt and some washing machine cars, 595 00:30:13,862 --> 00:30:15,517 you'd go out and have a great time. 596 00:30:15,620 --> 00:30:17,344 Look at our freeways and our automobiles. 597 00:30:17,448 --> 00:30:20,931 Underpasses, overpasses, dig it up, dig it around, go through. 598 00:30:21,034 --> 00:30:23,862 We don't have no damn fun. 599 00:30:23,965 --> 00:30:26,000 Ought to have a big rubber bumper around cars 600 00:30:26,103 --> 00:30:27,827 so you could bang into people. 601 00:30:27,931 --> 00:30:29,517 It'd be okay. 602 00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:33,482 People start coming in your lane, you go pow! 603 00:30:33,586 --> 00:30:35,344 You know what I mean? 604 00:30:35,448 --> 00:30:37,586 [audience applauding] 605 00:30:37,689 --> 00:30:40,689 Or if you're at a stoplight 606 00:30:40,793 --> 00:30:44,413 and there an old lady in front of you and the light turns green, 607 00:30:44,517 --> 00:30:46,655 run her ass up to the next light. 608 00:30:48,620 --> 00:30:50,931 [audience applauding] 609 00:30:51,034 --> 00:30:54,620 I got gas and first gear for two cars. 610 00:30:54,724 --> 00:30:58,586 You can't give an old lady whiplash 'cause her head don't go above the seat. 611 00:30:58,689 --> 00:31:00,275 [audience laughing] 612 00:31:01,517 --> 00:31:03,655 So it don't hurt. 613 00:31:03,758 --> 00:31:05,586 If I had my way in this world, 614 00:31:05,689 --> 00:31:07,448 every driver would be issued 615 00:31:07,551 --> 00:31:09,793 a little rubber stick-'em dart gun like you had when you were a kid. 616 00:31:09,896 --> 00:31:12,103 When somebody does something stupid in front of you, you hang out the window 617 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:13,965 and you shoot 'em in the trunk. 618 00:31:14,068 --> 00:31:17,448 It would stick there with a little sign that said "stupid" on it. 619 00:31:17,551 --> 00:31:19,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 620 00:31:20,379 --> 00:31:22,206 Then when the highway patrol comes by 621 00:31:22,310 --> 00:31:26,344 and sees a car with about a dozen of these, 622 00:31:26,448 --> 00:31:29,517 he just pulls 'em over and gives 'em a ticket for being an asshole. 623 00:31:29,620 --> 00:31:31,206 [cheering] 624 00:31:40,655 --> 00:31:42,620 'Cause-- 625 00:31:42,724 --> 00:31:45,310 Which brings up the topic 626 00:31:45,413 --> 00:31:49,206 of automobile mechanics. 627 00:31:49,310 --> 00:31:50,965 Right, ladies? 628 00:31:51,068 --> 00:31:53,344 You have a little problem with those mechanics 629 00:31:53,448 --> 00:31:56,655 because you don't know anything about an engine. 630 00:31:56,758 --> 00:31:58,758 You don't know what they tell you 631 00:31:58,862 --> 00:32:01,034 is the truth or what's fabricated. 632 00:32:01,137 --> 00:32:03,172 Have you ever noticed just about the time you see 633 00:32:03,275 --> 00:32:06,206 a total you could pay, they add the labor. 634 00:32:07,758 --> 00:32:09,758 So what can a lady do? Or a guy? 635 00:32:09,862 --> 00:32:11,793 I don't know much about cars. 636 00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:15,068 I'm not gonna take it apart and see if they did it right. 637 00:32:15,172 --> 00:32:17,034 Am I? 638 00:32:17,137 --> 00:32:20,689 A lady could say something like, "Save the parts." You know? 639 00:32:20,793 --> 00:32:22,724 "I'm gonna show 'em to my husband. 640 00:32:22,827 --> 00:32:25,655 He's a mechanic. 641 00:32:25,758 --> 00:32:28,034 [laughing] 642 00:32:28,137 --> 00:32:31,310 He'd be working on this car, but one fell on his head and-- 643 00:32:31,413 --> 00:32:33,241 [laughing] 644 00:32:33,344 --> 00:32:36,620 He'll be okay, and then I'll show him the parts." 645 00:32:36,724 --> 00:32:39,551 But that isn't insurance either 'cause they could show you any part. 646 00:32:39,655 --> 00:32:41,655 You don't know what they say is the truth. 647 00:32:41,758 --> 00:32:44,551 I had this car fixed. They said they repaired all the belts. 648 00:32:44,655 --> 00:32:46,724 Here's a couple of 'em. 649 00:32:46,827 --> 00:32:49,172 They say they got my hoses fixed, 650 00:32:49,275 --> 00:32:51,517 [ringing]my rings, 651 00:32:53,172 --> 00:32:55,206 my plugs and points, 652 00:32:55,310 --> 00:32:57,034 [audience laughing, applauding] 653 00:33:00,965 --> 00:33:02,758 my rocker arms, 654 00:33:02,862 --> 00:33:04,448 [audience laughing, applauding] 655 00:33:09,275 --> 00:33:11,000 the head gasket. 656 00:33:11,103 --> 00:33:12,517 [audience laughing, applauding] 657 00:33:15,517 --> 00:33:17,689 [man] Tie rod.Tie rod! 658 00:33:19,655 --> 00:33:22,034 [man] Universal joint.Universal joint! 659 00:33:22,137 --> 00:33:23,551 [audience laughing, applauding] 660 00:33:24,862 --> 00:33:27,793 [man] Manifold.Manifold! 661 00:33:29,310 --> 00:33:30,310 [man] Belt. 662 00:33:30,413 --> 00:33:32,034 [woman] Trainer bra. 663 00:33:32,137 --> 00:33:33,724 [audience laughing] 664 00:33:35,413 --> 00:33:38,413 Trainer bra for a real dumb girl. 665 00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,068 [audience laughing, applauding] 666 00:33:41,827 --> 00:33:43,620 Nut rack. 667 00:33:43,724 --> 00:33:45,620 [audience laughing] 668 00:33:45,724 --> 00:33:47,793 Yeah, nut rack. 669 00:33:49,241 --> 00:33:52,620 I wish this, uh, was gone. 670 00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:54,931 Damn. 671 00:33:55,034 --> 00:33:56,724 [cheering, applauding] 672 00:33:56,827 --> 00:33:59,310 Well... 673 00:33:59,413 --> 00:34:02,758 um, I'm gonna do my show now. 674 00:34:02,862 --> 00:34:04,344 [audience laughing, applauding] 675 00:34:04,448 --> 00:34:06,172 [man] All right!So... 676 00:34:08,206 --> 00:34:10,448 I think I got you people warmed up good enough. 677 00:34:10,551 --> 00:34:13,448 You seem to be pleasant. I'm gonna go back here 678 00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:15,620 and get my show, and we'll do it. 679 00:34:15,724 --> 00:34:17,448 You ready?[audience] Yeah! 680 00:34:17,551 --> 00:34:22,172 Okay, give me to, um, a count of 10. 681 00:34:22,275 --> 00:34:23,827 You ready? 682 00:34:23,931 --> 00:34:25,758 [audience] One, two, 683 00:34:25,862 --> 00:34:27,724 three, four, 684 00:34:27,827 --> 00:34:29,965 five, six, seven, 685 00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:33,000 eight, nine, ten. 686 00:34:33,103 --> 00:34:35,620 Whoo! The show! It's the show! 687 00:34:35,724 --> 00:34:37,965 It's the show! It's the show! 688 00:34:38,068 --> 00:34:39,689 I need my stool! 689 00:34:41,827 --> 00:34:43,517 I need my stool! 690 00:34:43,620 --> 00:34:45,620 [audience members shouting] 691 00:34:45,724 --> 00:34:47,448 I need my stool! 692 00:34:52,862 --> 00:34:54,862 Ladies and gentlemen! 693 00:34:54,965 --> 00:34:57,517 [audience members shouting] 694 00:34:57,620 --> 00:34:59,655 [cheering] 695 00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:02,172 [audience applauding] 696 00:35:02,275 --> 00:35:04,000 Thank you. 697 00:35:04,103 --> 00:35:06,068 Thank you. 698 00:35:06,172 --> 00:35:07,655 Thank you. 699 00:35:07,758 --> 00:35:09,344 I did not come here tonight to make you laugh. 700 00:35:09,448 --> 00:35:10,724 I came here to sell you something. 701 00:35:10,827 --> 00:35:11,931 I want you to pay particular attention 702 00:35:12,034 --> 00:35:13,206 because the amazing Master Tool Corporation, 703 00:35:13,310 --> 00:35:14,758 a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries, 704 00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:16,172 has entrusted who? Me. 705 00:35:16,275 --> 00:35:18,413 To show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool 706 00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:19,655 you've ever seen. 707 00:35:19,758 --> 00:35:20,965 And don't you want to know how it works? 708 00:35:21,068 --> 00:35:21,965 [audience] Yeah! 709 00:35:22,068 --> 00:35:23,034 Well, good. 710 00:35:23,137 --> 00:35:25,068 First, you get out an ordinary apple. 711 00:35:25,172 --> 00:35:28,379 You place the ordinary apple between the patented pans. 712 00:35:28,482 --> 00:35:30,034 Then what do you do, gang? It's simple. 713 00:35:30,137 --> 00:35:31,620 You reach for the tool that is not a slicer. 714 00:35:31,724 --> 00:35:33,275 It's not a dicer. It's not a chopper in a hopper. 715 00:35:33,379 --> 00:35:34,758 What can it possibly be? 716 00:35:34,862 --> 00:35:37,034 Hey. The mystery is over. 717 00:35:39,551 --> 00:35:42,517 It is Sledge-O-Matic. Hey. 718 00:35:42,620 --> 00:35:44,103 [screaming] 719 00:35:45,965 --> 00:35:47,896 [audience applauding] 720 00:35:50,137 --> 00:35:51,551 [audience cheering] 721 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,724 Wasn't that quick and easy? 722 00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:05,586 Applesauce in an instant. 723 00:36:05,689 --> 00:36:07,586 Yes, there's the beginning of a fine fruit salad. 724 00:36:07,689 --> 00:36:09,344 This, folks, is Sledge-O-Matic, 725 00:36:09,448 --> 00:36:11,413 the wonder tool of a thousand uses. 726 00:36:11,517 --> 00:36:12,862 You can make your own peanut butter 727 00:36:12,965 --> 00:36:14,344 right to whole fruit and vegetable juices, 728 00:36:14,448 --> 00:36:15,862 mounds of mashed potatoes. 729 00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:17,931 Why, Sledge-O-Matic will even make French fries. 730 00:36:18,034 --> 00:36:20,931 But I swear you've got to crack that sumbitch just right. 731 00:36:21,034 --> 00:36:22,931 [audience laughing, applauding] 732 00:36:23,034 --> 00:36:25,206 Now, ladies, 733 00:36:25,310 --> 00:36:26,827 are you looking for a way to disguise leftovers? 734 00:36:26,931 --> 00:36:28,448 I'll tell you what you do. 735 00:36:28,551 --> 00:36:30,517 You root 'em around in the patented pan. You guessed it. 736 00:36:30,620 --> 00:36:32,758 You hit 'em again! Chicken. Look at you. 737 00:36:32,862 --> 00:36:34,896 [audience laughing] 738 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,310 Sledge-O-Matic will kill ants, roaches, flies, appetites, 739 00:36:38,413 --> 00:36:40,620 anything which crawls into the patented pan. 740 00:36:40,724 --> 00:36:42,448 [laughing] 741 00:36:42,551 --> 00:36:43,931 Now I know what some of you are saying. 742 00:36:44,034 --> 00:36:45,275 "Sure, you can do it with an apple. 743 00:36:45,379 --> 00:36:46,551 Sure, you can do it with a potato. 744 00:36:46,655 --> 00:36:48,413 But can he do it with a watermelon?" 745 00:36:48,517 --> 00:36:50,275 [cheering] 746 00:36:54,413 --> 00:36:56,758 I may or may not have the watermelon. 747 00:36:56,862 --> 00:36:59,724 That depends upon your reaction to the rest of my show. 748 00:36:59,827 --> 00:37:01,344 [audience laughing, cheering] 749 00:37:01,448 --> 00:37:03,103 Good seats, huh? 750 00:37:06,793 --> 00:37:11,517 You know, many people don't get their vitamin C each day. 751 00:37:13,689 --> 00:37:15,413 And I saw a commercial on TV 752 00:37:15,517 --> 00:37:18,448 that said they couldn't open one of these Coors cans. 753 00:37:30,034 --> 00:37:31,448 So... 754 00:37:36,310 --> 00:37:38,034 what's the problem? 755 00:37:38,137 --> 00:37:39,724 [laughing] 756 00:37:39,827 --> 00:37:43,931 Now, Sledge-O-Matic will also teach the dumbest dog to play dead. 757 00:37:45,310 --> 00:37:48,206 It puts the cat out all night. 758 00:37:48,310 --> 00:37:51,310 It keeps the neighbor's kids in their own goddamn yard. 759 00:37:51,413 --> 00:37:53,068 [audience laughing] 760 00:37:53,172 --> 00:37:54,931 And it-- 761 00:37:55,034 --> 00:37:57,931 Hey, people, hollow it out, it makes a heck of a pipe. 762 00:37:59,793 --> 00:38:01,517 Right now you're probably asking yourself, 763 00:38:01,620 --> 00:38:04,862 "Where can I get me one of these wonderful--" 764 00:38:04,965 --> 00:38:06,379 Oh, you're not? 765 00:38:07,793 --> 00:38:09,448 [cheering, shouting] 766 00:38:22,137 --> 00:38:24,551 I believe it's gonna break a little bit to the right. 767 00:38:28,448 --> 00:38:31,448 Right now you're probably asking yourself, 768 00:38:31,551 --> 00:38:33,551 "How crazy is that sumbitch? 769 00:38:35,827 --> 00:38:40,448 Where can I get me one of these wonderful things?" 770 00:38:40,551 --> 00:38:42,793 Well, millions paid 9.95. 771 00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:46,689 But I can let you have it for $10, cash money, 772 00:38:46,793 --> 00:38:48,551 two for 25. 773 00:38:48,655 --> 00:38:50,551 If you don't buy one of these from me here tonight, 774 00:38:50,655 --> 00:38:54,551 I'm gonna be out to your house later on for a free home demolition. 775 00:38:54,655 --> 00:38:56,379 And I want you to remember my motto: 776 00:38:56,482 --> 00:38:57,965 "The Avon lady may ring your chime, 777 00:38:58,068 --> 00:39:00,551 but me and this hammer just knock one time." 778 00:39:00,655 --> 00:39:02,620 [audience laughing, cheering] 779 00:39:07,413 --> 00:39:09,241 Yee-haw! 780 00:39:12,965 --> 00:39:14,620 Yee-haw! 781 00:39:17,689 --> 00:39:19,103 It's a bird. It's a plane. 782 00:39:19,206 --> 00:39:21,103 It's Popeil's pocket lariat. 783 00:39:21,206 --> 00:39:22,620 [audience laughing] 784 00:39:22,724 --> 00:39:25,931 So simple, any idiot could operate. 785 00:39:26,034 --> 00:39:28,275 You wanna give it a go? 786 00:39:28,379 --> 00:39:30,758 Well, you know your limitations, don't you? 787 00:39:34,344 --> 00:39:36,344 This is like riding in the back of a pickup truck. 788 00:39:36,448 --> 00:39:38,862 There ain't no way to do it and look cool. 789 00:39:43,241 --> 00:39:45,758 Okay. I invented this. What do you think of this? 790 00:39:45,862 --> 00:39:47,620 [car horn honking] 791 00:39:47,724 --> 00:39:49,620 This is a honker for people that like to honk their horn 792 00:39:49,724 --> 00:39:51,965 but can't afford to drive a car. 793 00:39:52,068 --> 00:39:55,034 Next time you're walking along and somebody gets in your way, butts in line-- 794 00:39:55,137 --> 00:39:56,689 [honking]Hey! 795 00:39:56,793 --> 00:39:58,689 [audience laughing, applauding] 796 00:39:58,793 --> 00:40:00,551 I'm walkin' here. 797 00:40:02,068 --> 00:40:04,172 You can stick this on your buggy down at the grocery store 798 00:40:04,275 --> 00:40:06,551 to clear the fat ladies out of the candy isle. 799 00:40:08,034 --> 00:40:09,620 Or if you're just buying a few items, 800 00:40:09,724 --> 00:40:11,448 you're going through that "10 and under" express lane, 801 00:40:11,551 --> 00:40:12,931 somebody ahead of you with a dozen eggs-- 802 00:40:13,034 --> 00:40:14,793 [honking] 803 00:40:15,931 --> 00:40:17,689 It's 12 items. 804 00:40:21,068 --> 00:40:23,620 Or maybe you dudes, you see some chick out on the beach. 805 00:40:23,724 --> 00:40:25,931 You just-- "Hey, babe! Hey!"[honking] 806 00:40:33,413 --> 00:40:35,310 Or maybe you girls are downtown late at night, 807 00:40:35,413 --> 00:40:37,310 and you have to get to your car and go down a dark alley. 808 00:40:37,413 --> 00:40:39,206 You're a little afraid. Just run real fast.[honking] 809 00:40:39,310 --> 00:40:41,586 They'll think you're a VW. 810 00:40:41,689 --> 00:40:43,586 Or maybe you're getting phone calls late a night 811 00:40:43,689 --> 00:40:46,413 from a heavy breather, the obscene kind. Right? 812 00:40:46,517 --> 00:40:49,551 Next time you get one-- "Oh, yeah, you'll do what? Try this." 813 00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:51,241 [honks] 814 00:40:51,344 --> 00:40:54,034 Want your ears pierced?[honks] 815 00:40:54,137 --> 00:40:58,172 I like to use it in the bathroom to keep people from opening the door on me. 816 00:40:58,275 --> 00:41:00,724 I just go--[honks] 817 00:41:00,827 --> 00:41:02,827 Can't you see my feet? 818 00:41:02,931 --> 00:41:04,344 [laughing] 819 00:41:07,206 --> 00:41:08,862 I invented this here for people 820 00:41:08,965 --> 00:41:11,931 so they don't bump into doors and walls when they're drunk. 821 00:41:12,034 --> 00:41:13,655 [audience laughing, applauding] 822 00:41:13,758 --> 00:41:15,344 It's a good idea. 823 00:41:21,034 --> 00:41:23,965 I want to talk to you people now just briefly... 824 00:41:25,482 --> 00:41:27,344 about stealing. 825 00:41:30,103 --> 00:41:34,758 Now, I don't mind if you take stuff by accident, 826 00:41:34,862 --> 00:41:36,862 because we all do this. 827 00:41:36,965 --> 00:41:40,172 But it's you people that take stuff you can't use. 828 00:41:41,448 --> 00:41:43,172 Can't take it now. 829 00:41:43,275 --> 00:41:45,000 [audience applauding] 830 00:41:49,689 --> 00:41:51,517 Although I will admit that stealing 831 00:41:51,620 --> 00:41:54,448 is a good way of getting back at people. 832 00:41:54,551 --> 00:41:57,275 You know, you take this teller 833 00:41:57,379 --> 00:41:59,551 down at the drive-in bank I go to. 834 00:42:01,310 --> 00:42:04,034 She was rude to the wrong boy, wasn't she? 835 00:42:05,724 --> 00:42:09,000 The guy in the car behind me didn't like me much either. 836 00:42:09,103 --> 00:42:11,689 He said, "Put the money in what, bitch?" 837 00:42:18,310 --> 00:42:20,206 All right, I'd like to stop for just a moment 838 00:42:20,310 --> 00:42:22,034 and get my microphone correct. 839 00:42:22,137 --> 00:42:23,655 Would anybody like to tell me 840 00:42:23,758 --> 00:42:25,793 any problem they think I'm having with this microphone? 841 00:42:25,896 --> 00:42:27,827 Is there any problem with my microphone? 842 00:42:27,931 --> 00:42:29,448 [woman] The wire. 843 00:42:29,551 --> 00:42:32,172 Is that all? Just the wire, just a cosmetic consideration? 844 00:42:32,275 --> 00:42:34,068 Am I getting sound properly? 845 00:42:34,172 --> 00:42:35,758 [simultaneous chatter, indistinct] 846 00:42:38,586 --> 00:42:40,482 Okay. 847 00:42:40,586 --> 00:42:43,551 How long has this been going on?[man] Since you started. 848 00:42:43,655 --> 00:42:46,827 Yeah, this screw got loose. Now it's okay, ain't it? 849 00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:48,827 How long has it been doing that? 850 00:42:48,931 --> 00:42:50,517 [simultaneous chatter, indistinct] 851 00:42:52,344 --> 00:42:54,827 When did it start? During Sledge-O-Matic? 852 00:42:54,931 --> 00:42:56,344 Fuck. 853 00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:58,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 854 00:42:59,793 --> 00:43:02,344 It unscrewed. It just unscrewed, you know? 855 00:43:02,448 --> 00:43:04,827 It needed a piece of tape on there to keep it from unscrewing. 856 00:43:04,931 --> 00:43:06,551 So let me have a piece of tape 857 00:43:06,655 --> 00:43:09,103 'cause this next part is gonna be fuckin' funny. 858 00:43:09,206 --> 00:43:11,103 [audience laughing, cheering, applauding] 859 00:43:23,620 --> 00:43:25,517 So we had break-up during Sledge-O-Matic 860 00:43:25,620 --> 00:43:27,620 and during all of these things here?[man] Not bad. 861 00:43:27,724 --> 00:43:29,620 Oh, not bad, though?Very little. 862 00:43:29,724 --> 00:43:32,586 Not bad. Look at this guy. He thinks he's dressed okay. 863 00:43:32,689 --> 00:43:34,827 [audience laughing] 864 00:43:34,931 --> 00:43:36,344 You ready? 865 00:43:38,379 --> 00:43:39,896 [man] Do it again. 866 00:43:41,724 --> 00:43:43,862 [audience laughing] Oh! 867 00:43:43,965 --> 00:43:46,379 Whoo! 868 00:43:46,482 --> 00:43:49,793 Are we starting tape again? I guess we were just rolling. 869 00:43:49,896 --> 00:43:53,448 Yeah, I was rolling, too, till I had to stop for this son of a bitch. 870 00:43:53,551 --> 00:43:55,275 All right, let's start from here. 871 00:43:56,517 --> 00:43:58,344 [audience laughing] 872 00:43:58,448 --> 00:44:00,379 "Put the money in what, bitch?" 873 00:44:00,482 --> 00:44:01,931 [audience laughing, applauding] 874 00:44:02,034 --> 00:44:03,448 [audience cheering] 875 00:44:18,793 --> 00:44:20,551 You gotta check 'em. 876 00:44:28,379 --> 00:44:30,862 This is a visual aid. 877 00:44:30,965 --> 00:44:32,724 I was thinking the other day, 878 00:44:32,827 --> 00:44:35,724 "What if man is born like the other animals and was endowed with a tail?" 879 00:44:35,827 --> 00:44:38,275 For those of you with no imagination, this is what he'd look like. 880 00:44:38,379 --> 00:44:40,896 Dig it. Now... 881 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:43,206 if man did have a tail, I wonder, would it be legal 882 00:44:43,310 --> 00:44:46,586 to leave it out or would you have to tuck it in? 883 00:44:46,689 --> 00:44:49,068 And I wonder, would that be about average? 884 00:44:51,275 --> 00:44:53,413 For a white boy, what do you think? 885 00:44:53,517 --> 00:44:55,241 [audience cheering, applauding] 886 00:45:00,379 --> 00:45:04,103 If man did have a tail, they'd probably get into styling it sooner or later, 887 00:45:04,206 --> 00:45:05,758 especially in Hollywood. 888 00:45:05,862 --> 00:45:07,586 This would be the French look. 889 00:45:09,793 --> 00:45:12,862 And, of course, we all know what Jewish people would do. 890 00:45:14,931 --> 00:45:16,517 [audience laughing, applauding] 891 00:45:19,965 --> 00:45:23,379 Do you know why the doctor ties the baby's umbilical cord? 892 00:45:23,482 --> 00:45:24,448 [woman] Why? 893 00:45:24,551 --> 00:45:26,413 So it won't do like that. 894 00:45:26,517 --> 00:45:28,448 [audience laughing] 895 00:45:28,551 --> 00:45:32,413 Do you know how many helicopters it takes to get to Tehran? 896 00:45:32,517 --> 00:45:33,931 [audience laughing] 897 00:45:34,034 --> 00:45:35,931 Neither does the president. 898 00:45:36,034 --> 00:45:38,482 [audience cheering, applauding] 899 00:45:38,586 --> 00:45:40,103 You know-- 900 00:45:41,413 --> 00:45:44,551 You know why a Polack can't eat pickles? 901 00:45:44,655 --> 00:45:46,551 He can't get his head in a jar. 902 00:45:46,655 --> 00:45:48,275 [audience laughing, applauding] 903 00:45:48,379 --> 00:45:50,896 Now, I didn't write that joke. 904 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:53,965 I'm just using that as an example of why-- 905 00:45:54,068 --> 00:45:57,448 I can't figure out why the Polacks don't take hostages. 906 00:45:57,551 --> 00:46:01,448 I mean, don't they have enough reason to be pissed at us all these-- 907 00:46:01,551 --> 00:46:03,448 jokes all these years? 908 00:46:03,551 --> 00:46:05,827 They're some good jokes, too. I don't use 'em in my show 909 00:46:05,931 --> 00:46:07,620 'cause I think they're in poor taste. 910 00:46:07,724 --> 00:46:10,517 But you know 'em, you know. You know. 911 00:46:10,620 --> 00:46:13,310 You know, the one about the, uh-- 912 00:46:13,413 --> 00:46:15,103 why Polish men don't make love 913 00:46:15,206 --> 00:46:18,275 'cause they wait for the swelling to go down. 914 00:46:18,379 --> 00:46:22,655 And, uh, why Polish girls don't use vibrators 915 00:46:22,758 --> 00:46:25,482 'cause it chips their teeth. 916 00:46:25,586 --> 00:46:28,034 And, uh-- 917 00:46:28,137 --> 00:46:31,000 And why Polish mothers don't breastfeed their babies 918 00:46:31,103 --> 00:46:33,000 'cause it hurts when they boil their nipples. 919 00:46:33,103 --> 00:46:35,034 You know these. 920 00:46:35,137 --> 00:46:37,000 [laughing, applauding] 921 00:46:37,103 --> 00:46:39,275 You know these jokes, don't you? 922 00:46:40,724 --> 00:46:43,344 What we ought to have is Iranian jokes, right, since they-- 923 00:46:43,448 --> 00:46:45,034 [audience] Yeah. 924 00:46:45,137 --> 00:46:48,310 Well, do you know how to circumcise an Iranian?[woman] No. 925 00:46:48,413 --> 00:46:50,551 You can't. There ain't no end to them pricks. 926 00:46:50,655 --> 00:46:52,275 [audience cheering, applauding] 927 00:47:02,103 --> 00:47:05,206 Do you know why a man can lay on his side easier than a woman? 928 00:47:05,310 --> 00:47:07,448 A man has a kickstand. 929 00:47:07,551 --> 00:47:09,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 930 00:47:12,275 --> 00:47:15,000 Do you know what the sign said on the whorehouse door? 931 00:47:15,103 --> 00:47:16,655 "Closed. Beat it." 932 00:47:16,758 --> 00:47:18,379 [audience laughing] 933 00:47:19,862 --> 00:47:22,517 [object snaps]I'm glad you broke it. 934 00:47:23,931 --> 00:47:25,931 What is your name? 935 00:47:26,034 --> 00:47:29,896 You thought you'd get through the whole show without being noticed, didn't you? 936 00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:31,517 What is your name? 937 00:47:32,862 --> 00:47:35,000 I know, it's probably real funny. 938 00:47:37,413 --> 00:47:38,931 What is it? 939 00:47:39,034 --> 00:47:40,689 Leslie Hancock? 940 00:47:40,793 --> 00:47:42,379 [audience laughing] 941 00:47:44,137 --> 00:47:46,551 See, it can't be that bad. What's your name? 942 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:48,413 Claire.Claire? 943 00:47:48,517 --> 00:47:50,275 That's nice. Claire. 944 00:47:50,379 --> 00:47:51,827 Are you single, Claire? 945 00:47:51,931 --> 00:47:53,517 Yes.You are? 946 00:47:54,758 --> 00:47:56,310 [audience laughing] 947 00:47:58,482 --> 00:48:00,482 You like funny little comedians? 948 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,137 [audience laughing] 949 00:48:02,241 --> 00:48:04,965 Well, here you are. Are you a connoisseur of comedy? 950 00:48:07,689 --> 00:48:09,103 You're not? 951 00:48:10,551 --> 00:48:12,103 [audience laughing] 952 00:48:12,206 --> 00:48:13,793 [audience cheering, applauding] 953 00:48:17,620 --> 00:48:21,931 Would you like to be a connoisseur of comedy? 954 00:48:22,034 --> 00:48:23,793 Well, do you have a boyfriend? 955 00:48:25,206 --> 00:48:26,586 Yes. 956 00:48:26,689 --> 00:48:28,172 You do? 957 00:48:28,275 --> 00:48:29,689 You couldn't decide. 958 00:48:30,758 --> 00:48:32,931 He's not a good boyfriend? 959 00:48:33,034 --> 00:48:36,620 He's all right.He's just all right. See? 960 00:48:36,724 --> 00:48:39,034 If he was good, you'd go, "I got a boyfriend! 961 00:48:39,137 --> 00:48:40,724 He's great!" 962 00:48:43,172 --> 00:48:46,000 You know, they say you can tell 963 00:48:46,103 --> 00:48:49,344 how good a guy is in bed 964 00:48:49,448 --> 00:48:51,103 by how well he moves. 965 00:48:52,448 --> 00:48:54,000 [audience laughing, applauding] 966 00:49:03,758 --> 00:49:05,482 Well, she's got a boyfriend anyway. 967 00:49:07,103 --> 00:49:10,965 You know, girls don't think that men know about... stuff, 968 00:49:11,068 --> 00:49:12,689 but we do. 969 00:49:12,793 --> 00:49:14,379 Like, we know that panty hose 970 00:49:14,482 --> 00:49:17,275 is a secret sexual deterrent. 971 00:49:17,379 --> 00:49:20,896 If a girl don't want nothing to happen, she puts on the panty hose. 972 00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:23,206 Why else do they reinforce the crotch? 973 00:49:23,310 --> 00:49:24,896 [audience laughing, applauding] 974 00:49:26,551 --> 00:49:28,620 Is that gonna get a lot of wear? 975 00:49:31,206 --> 00:49:33,758 It's the knee and the toe that breaks out. 976 00:49:33,862 --> 00:49:35,931 [audience laughing] 977 00:49:36,034 --> 00:49:38,896 Ought to be a double knee and a double toe. 978 00:49:42,068 --> 00:49:44,689 It's hard to watch the television advertising these days 979 00:49:44,793 --> 00:49:47,172 without seeing some kind of a sexual message. 980 00:49:47,275 --> 00:49:49,448 You don't have to be a pervert to see it either. 981 00:49:49,551 --> 00:49:51,551 There's this one-- This woman's sitting up in bed, 982 00:49:51,655 --> 00:49:54,172 and she says proudly, "I'm cleaning my oven." 983 00:49:54,275 --> 00:49:55,689 [audience laughing] 984 00:49:58,310 --> 00:50:01,448 Her hands are under the covers. 985 00:50:01,551 --> 00:50:03,931 And the product is Easy-Off. 986 00:50:04,034 --> 00:50:05,758 [audience laughing, applauding] 987 00:50:05,862 --> 00:50:07,448 [audience cheering] 988 00:50:15,068 --> 00:50:19,862 Then Joe DiMaggio says Mr. Coffee is the best he's ever tasted. 989 00:50:19,965 --> 00:50:22,689 Joe DiMaggio was married to Marilyn Monroe. 990 00:50:22,793 --> 00:50:25,586 Come on, Joe. You have tasted better, boy. 991 00:50:26,793 --> 00:50:28,379 [laughing, applauding] 992 00:50:30,275 --> 00:50:32,517 Am I right?[audience] Yeah. 993 00:50:32,620 --> 00:50:35,620 I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. 994 00:50:35,724 --> 00:50:38,931 They got one marked "brightness," but it don't work, does it? 995 00:50:39,034 --> 00:50:41,034 [audience laughing, applauding] 996 00:50:41,137 --> 00:50:43,586 No, 'cause they ask you real smart questions on TV. 997 00:50:43,689 --> 00:50:47,517 "Do you need a pain reliever that works?" 998 00:50:47,620 --> 00:50:50,896 "Impotence got you down?" 999 00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:53,413 "Is it hard to meet a girl with acne?" 1000 00:50:53,517 --> 00:50:56,827 No, I meet 'em all the time. 1001 00:50:56,931 --> 00:50:59,000 "Constipation a problem?" 1002 00:50:59,103 --> 00:51:01,000 No, I dig it. 1003 00:51:01,103 --> 00:51:02,517 [audience laughing] 1004 00:51:03,724 --> 00:51:05,275 In fact, if I ain't constipated, 1005 00:51:05,379 --> 00:51:07,620 I stick a cork up my butt. 1006 00:51:07,724 --> 00:51:09,275 [audience laughing, applauding] 1007 00:51:11,517 --> 00:51:13,103 Then they talk about-- 1008 00:51:13,206 --> 00:51:15,448 On TV they talk about laxative, how gentle. 1009 00:51:15,551 --> 00:51:17,655 I don't know about you people. When I want a laxative, 1010 00:51:17,758 --> 00:51:20,689 I want a bomb. 1011 00:51:20,793 --> 00:51:23,000 Rough me up. 1012 00:51:25,551 --> 00:51:27,275 [imitates bomb exploding] 1013 00:51:28,586 --> 00:51:30,103 [audience applauding] 1014 00:51:33,448 --> 00:51:35,517 Aren't they dumb? Why does a guy-- 1015 00:51:35,620 --> 00:51:38,758 He just gets his car fixed at AAMCO, 1016 00:51:38,862 --> 00:51:40,448 transmission place. 1017 00:51:40,551 --> 00:51:42,758 He checks the horn. 1018 00:51:42,862 --> 00:51:45,551 Honk, honk! Everything's okay! 1019 00:51:45,655 --> 00:51:47,896 [audience laughing, applauding] 1020 00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:52,551 They're supposed to be an example for society, and they don't always do-- 1021 00:51:52,655 --> 00:51:55,517 This girl gets a new watch. She shows it to another girl. 1022 00:51:55,620 --> 00:51:58,000 She's-- "Oh, wow, a new watch." 1023 00:51:58,103 --> 00:52:01,827 The girl goes, "I was hoping for a Longines." 1024 00:52:01,931 --> 00:52:03,517 What a bitch. 1025 00:52:03,620 --> 00:52:05,344 [audience laughing, applauding] 1026 00:52:08,068 --> 00:52:09,896 New damn watch. 1027 00:52:13,206 --> 00:52:16,206 "Here's a dog we fed Alpo dog food. 1028 00:52:16,310 --> 00:52:19,137 Here's a dog we didn't feed. 1029 00:52:19,241 --> 00:52:22,655 Look how much friskier the Alpo dog is... 1030 00:52:23,862 --> 00:52:26,862 than the dead one over here." 1031 00:52:26,965 --> 00:52:30,275 "We've stretched this bra between these two Mack trucks 1032 00:52:30,379 --> 00:52:32,344 to show you girls that any elastic 1033 00:52:32,448 --> 00:52:35,000 that can lift and separate these two big babies... 1034 00:52:35,103 --> 00:52:36,689 [audience laughing] 1035 00:52:36,793 --> 00:52:39,793 is gonna have no problem with your little pickup." 1036 00:52:51,344 --> 00:52:52,793 Well... 1037 00:52:54,551 --> 00:52:57,000 it's about time for me to cut out. 1038 00:52:57,103 --> 00:52:59,620 [audience] Aww! 1039 00:52:59,724 --> 00:53:04,448 As you can see, performing, for me, is a sexual experience. 1040 00:53:04,551 --> 00:53:06,758 I'm done before you are, right. 1041 00:53:06,862 --> 00:53:08,689 [audience laughing] 1042 00:53:08,793 --> 00:53:11,965 But there's always room, and time, 1043 00:53:12,068 --> 00:53:15,724 for one last commercial word. 1044 00:53:15,827 --> 00:53:17,793 This time I'm speaking... 1045 00:53:19,862 --> 00:53:21,275 [audience laughing] 1046 00:53:21,379 --> 00:53:24,448 to all of you Spanish-speaking Americans. 1047 00:53:24,551 --> 00:53:27,517 Buenos días, Americanos Españoles. 1048 00:53:29,103 --> 00:53:31,793 Tomé unapple rojo 1049 00:53:31,896 --> 00:53:35,344 yplace-amente on top of elmelone. 1050 00:53:35,448 --> 00:53:36,862 [audience cheering, applauding] 1051 00:53:38,620 --> 00:53:41,517 Stop me if you've heard it. 1052 00:53:41,620 --> 00:53:44,103 Yreach-y me usted por eltool no es elslicer 1053 00:53:44,206 --> 00:53:46,655 no es eldicer, no es elchopper in a hopper. 1054 00:53:46,758 --> 00:53:48,413 El es que gang? 1055 00:53:48,517 --> 00:53:49,896 [audience cheering] 1056 00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:51,931 El Bang Bang Grande! 1057 00:53:53,689 --> 00:53:55,379 Olé! 1058 00:54:01,551 --> 00:54:03,103 [audience cheering, applauding] 1059 00:54:11,965 --> 00:54:13,551 Before I go-- 1060 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:18,551 Before I go, I'd like to-- 1061 00:54:18,655 --> 00:54:20,206 [audience cheering, applauding] 1062 00:54:21,724 --> 00:54:24,965 I'd like to impart some last few words of wisdom to you 1063 00:54:25,068 --> 00:54:27,758 so you don't think my show is just trivial. 1064 00:54:27,862 --> 00:54:29,551 I want you to always remember, 1065 00:54:29,655 --> 00:54:32,655 never let your mother brush your hair when she's mad at your dad. 1066 00:54:32,758 --> 00:54:34,310 [audience laughing, applauding] 1067 00:54:34,413 --> 00:54:36,310 If you want to get back at someone you love, 1068 00:54:36,413 --> 00:54:39,758 wait till they get in the shower, then flush the toilet. 1069 00:54:39,862 --> 00:54:41,517 I want all you parents to remember 1070 00:54:41,620 --> 00:54:43,793 that children who have a well-balanced breakfast before school 1071 00:54:43,896 --> 00:54:47,448 are the only ones who throw up in gym class. 1072 00:54:47,551 --> 00:54:50,034 That dude that said a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush 1073 00:54:50,137 --> 00:54:53,517 ain't been putting his bird in the right bushes, has he? 1074 00:54:54,793 --> 00:54:57,034 But I want all of you lovers to be fair. 1075 00:54:57,137 --> 00:55:01,241 Let the other one sleep in the wet spot half the time. 1076 00:55:01,344 --> 00:55:03,172 But I want you men to remember 1077 00:55:03,275 --> 00:55:05,000 that sex is a Chinese dinner for two. 1078 00:55:05,103 --> 00:55:07,931 It ain't over till you both get your cookies. 1079 00:55:08,034 --> 00:55:09,689 [audience applauding, cheering] 1080 00:55:09,793 --> 00:55:11,689 Right, ladies? 1081 00:55:11,793 --> 00:55:13,275 [cheering, applauding continue] 1082 00:55:14,689 --> 00:55:16,620 Now, 1083 00:55:16,724 --> 00:55:21,172 the ladies also asked me to mention to you guys 1084 00:55:21,275 --> 00:55:25,413 that 20 minutes of begging is not considered foreplay. 1085 00:55:25,517 --> 00:55:27,103 [audience laughing, applauding] 1086 00:55:29,137 --> 00:55:32,103 Style in whatever you do, men. Style. 1087 00:55:32,206 --> 00:55:34,103 Remember, it ain't the way you pick your nose. 1088 00:55:34,206 --> 00:55:36,275 It's where you put the booger. 1089 00:55:38,206 --> 00:55:41,137 This has been more than a thrill for me. 1090 00:55:41,241 --> 00:55:42,724 This has been an inconvenience. 1091 00:55:42,827 --> 00:55:44,275 I'll see you later. Good night. 1092 00:55:44,379 --> 00:55:46,241 [cheering] 1093 00:55:54,793 --> 00:55:56,379 [cheering, applauding continue]